And Decades of Experience in Being a Complete and Utter BITCH Troll

It's 10:30. I'm tired. I started my day at the pesky day gig at 8 a.m. Now I just want to get Kids reshelved and go home. I'm so not in the mood for difficult customers. But lo, who then drifts into view but Complete and Utter Bitch Troll? Of course, I do not know at first that she is a Complete and Utter Bitch Troll, but I sense that something is awry. For one thing she is, as I say, drifting - wandering slowly through the Kids section, head and limbs slowing waving about - just drifting. There is an air of lackadaisical slackness about her. I do not like to see this at 10:30. Frankly, I do not like to see this in a customer at any time of day. You may not be in a hurry, Ms. Customoron, but I have shit to accomplish, do you hear me? A customer without a sense of urgency is a customer who will drag me down, down, down into a pit of non-productivity. The only thing worse than a customer not in a hurry is a customer incapable of making a decision. I often find myself clicking the FastForward button on an imaginary remote control while slow people with poor verball skills try to articulate precisely what they are looking for or decide what they want. Paradoxically, it is my experience that these slow and indecisive shoppers end up buying nothing, which makes the time-suck all the more frustrating. But I digress.

I ask Drifty if I can help her find something.

Disgruntled Bookseller: Is there something I can help you find, ma'am?
Drifty: Yes. I'm looking for picture books of Dinosaurs for a four-year old.
DB: Let me show you the Dinosaur section.
Drifty: No. I've looked at those, those are nonfiction.

(I glance over. Yes. She has looked at those. I can tell because she has removed half of the dinosaur books from the shelf and strewn them about the floor. The irony of this behavior will become apparent soon, I promise.)

DB: Well, I can't think of any Dinosaur picture books that aren't non-fiction off the top of my head. Let me see what I can find in the database.
Drifty (preparing to morph into Complete and Utter Bitch): Do you have the A to Z book?
DB: A to Z book?
Drifty: Yes. It's a reference book that has childrens books listed by subject, so you can look under D for "dinosaur" and it will tell you what children's books are available.
DB: I'm not familiar with that book.
Drifty/Complete and Utter Bitch: I've seen it here before. I'm sure you have it.
DB: No, ma'am. I don't think so, but I can try to look it up. It's just called "A to Z"?
Complete and Utter Bitch (note that transformation is almost complete): Yes, it's the "A to Z Book". Libraries use it to maintain a children's collection.
DB (still searching in Books in Print and coming up with a couple of hundred books with "A to Z" in the title): Hmmm. Well that sounds like something our buyers might use, but I've never seen it in the store.
Complete and Utter Bitch Troll: You must have it.
DB: Ma'am, I've been a children's bookseller here for over 7 years, and I don't think we've every carried that particular book.
Complete and Utter Bitch Troll: I didn't ask you how long you worked here. I don't care how long you've worked here. That is not the answer you should give me. I've been a children's librarian for much longer than seven years and I know what I'm talking about.
DB: Ma'am, I was simply trying to establish that I'm pretty familiar with our stock and I don't believe we have ever carried that title.
Complete and Utter Bitch Troll: I don't care how long you've worked here. You don't know what you're talking about.

At this point I had several choice responses. I could have said:

a. "Ma'am, I'm sure the books exists as you say, and had you consulted it before leaving the library at which you claim to work perhaps you wouldn't need to ask me, a lowly bookseller, for assistance in choosing a book."

or

b. "Ma'am, I'm sure the books exists as you say, but this is a bookstore where we 'stock merchandise, not a library where we 'maintain collections.'"

or

c. "Ma'am, which library do you work at, because I would like to come there and pull shit off the shelves and dump it on your floors."

or, even

d. "Gee, ma'am, I'm shocked that a children's librarian of your vast years of experience wouldn't know all of the available dinosaur pictures books off the top of her head."

or, finally

e. "Ma'am, you are a complete and utter bitch troll, and if you do not leave right now, my head will explode but not before I stick my foot up your ugly, middle-aged ass. "

However, being the well-trained and customer-service oriented bookseller that I am, I said:

"Ma'am, let me get you another bookseller since I clearly am not going to be able to satisfy your needs."

So I paged the Baby Seal, and let her deal with the old hag.