Wednesday, September 29, 2004

The Big Bookstore Index

Shamelessly stolen from Harper's Magazine, the first in an occasional series of completely fictional statistics:

Number of hours in a full shift: 8
Number of hours spent at registers in a full shift: 3
Number of hours spent at the information desk: 5
Approximate number of questions by customers answered in a typical hour: 30
Approximate number of answers involving the location of the bathroom: 10
Percentage of phone calls after 9 p.m. asking what time we close: 55
Percentage of people who confuse Information with Registers: 8
Percentage of those people who are non-English speakers: 84
Percentage of customers at Information who are complete asshats: 12
Number of people who confuse Big Bookstore with Rival Bookstore in a one hour register shift: 2
Percentage of customers on cell-phone during transaction during one hour register shift: 22
Percentage of customers at registers who are complete asshats: 18
Average value of returned merchandise per return: $22.53
Average dollar amount of returned computer books per computer book return: $49.99
Typical number of days since returned computer book was purchased: 30
Percentage of computer book returners who want to keep the receipt for tax purposes: 15
Percentage of computer book returners who are complete asshats: 95
Total number of cow-workers: 69
Average number of cow-workers whom I like in any given shift: 6
Total number of cow-workers I wouldn't cross the street to piss on if they were on fire: 6 8
Total number of cow-workers to whom I would actually set fire: 1


Blogger meateater said...

I hate to point out the obvious but you have forgotten one vitally important statistic. The total number of time in a shift that you want to club the baby seal - 96

2:51 PM  
Blogger ereshkigal said...

She's the one I want to set on fire.

2:54 PM  

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