The Big Bookstore Index

Shamelessly stolen from Harper's Magazine, the first in an occasional series of completely fictional statistics:

Number of hours in a full shift: 8

Number of hours spent at registers in a full shift: 3

Number of hours spent at the information desk: 5

Approximate number of questions by customers answered in a typical hour: 30

Approximate number of answers involving the location of the bathroom: 10

Percentage of phone calls after 9 p.m. asking what time we close: 55

Percentage of people who confuse Information with Registers: 8

Percentage of those people who are non-English speakers: 84

Percentage of customers at Information who are complete asshats: 12

Number of people who confuse Big Bookstore with Rival Bookstore in a one hour register shift: 2

Percentage of customers on cell-phone during transaction during one hour register shift: 22

Percentage of customers at registers who are complete asshats: 18

Average value of returned merchandise per return: $22.53

Average dollar amount of returned computer books per computer book return: $49.99

Typical number of days since returned computer book was purchased: 30

Percentage of computer book returners who want to keep the receipt for tax purposes: 15

Percentage of computer book returners who are complete asshats: 95

Total number of cow-workers: 69

Average number of cow-workers whom I like in any given shift: 6

Total number of cow-workers I wouldn't cross the street to piss on if they were on fire: 6 8

Total number of cow-workers to whom I would actually set fire: 1