Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Karma

I was digging through my attic the other night searching for some old papers and came across this. For those of you too lazy to click, it's a Karma Violation Pad, a book of "tickets" from the Karma Police which can be filled out for various violations such as: barefaced lying, borrowing with intent to keep, hurting intentionally, being just plain rude and obnoxious, and a host of other karmic violations.

At the bottom of each Notice of Karma Violation is the following statement:

In accordance with the laws of the universe and karma, you are hereby required to make immediate amends and/or apologies to the aforementioned person(s) or institution(s) perpetrated against. Failure to comply will cause this already negative energy to come reeling around the planet right back into your life.

DO NOT THINK YOU CAN REALLY EVER GET AWAY WITH THIS

I've come up with my own Karma Violation Codes - one for customers and one for cow-workers.

Customer Karma Violation Code

§ 1.01 Removing an Ass of Books from the Shelves with No Intent to Purchase
§ 1.02a Child Neglect: Leaving Children Unsupervised in the Kids Section
§ 1.02b Child Neglect: Being Present with Children in the Kids Section and Failing to Supervise Said Children
§ 1.03 Opening Sealed Merchandise with No Intent to Purchase
§ 1.04 Attempting to Tell Bookseller How to Do Job
§ 1.05 Continuing a Cell Phone Conversation While Interacting with Bookseller or Cashier
§ 1.06 Asking If an Item Which Doesn't Scan is Free
§ 1.07 Behaving in Any Way Which is Appropriate Only for Your Own Living Room
§ 1.08 Consumption of Food and Beverages Not Purveyed by Big Bookstore
§ 1.09 Display of Indignance When Informed of "No Outside Food or Beverages" Rule
§ 1.10 Use of Cafe Seating for More Than One Hour, But Not Less than 4 Hours, Without Making a Cafe Purchase

§ 2.01a Attempting to Return Used and Unsaleable Merchandise
§ 2.01b Whining and/or Shouting When Attempt to Return Unsaleable Merchandise is Refused
§ 2.02a Stealing
§ 2.02b Attempting to Return Stolen Merchandise
§ 2.03 Fraudulent Price Switching
§ 2.04 Use of Big Bookstore as Research Center with No Intent to Purchase
§ 2.05 Use of Cafe Seating for More Than Four Hours, Regardless of Amount of Cafe Purchase

§ 3.01 Public Masturbation
§ 3.02 Use of Any Big Bookstore Premises Other Than the Designated Restroom as a Toilet


Next: Cow-Worker Karma Violations

5 Comments:

Blogger meateater said...

that is the funniest thing that I have ever heard. I would was thinking that you could add one to your list. Customer 'stomping' on merchandise that has been left on the floor by either themselves or another customer.

6:51 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about- reading entire magazine with no intent to purchase. There would often be multiple counts of this charge.

3:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please include my favorite, as we discussed the other night - customers who ask if we have a copy machine in the store.

11:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My favorites are people who ask for library cards. It takes a special sort of mind to be utterly oblivious to the big sign out front, the merchandising, the sounds of the registers, etc.

1:26 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And let's not forget: Sprinting into the store and up to the music department fifteen minutes before closing so they can BROWSE the works of Foghat, Rick Springfield, The Captain and Tennell, Boston, and/or music icon Peter Cetera. What were you doing for the previous 13-3/4 hours we were open, moron?

12:00 AM  

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