Wednesday, March 02, 2005


Tonight, in the space of one hour, I went from losing my mind over the condition of the Kids section and the fact that Calendar Boy did not save me one measly freaking cookie, to crying while reading a children's book about a bandicoot with a stone egg. From this, I can only conclude that I am PMSing. Cow-workers, you are hereby forewarned.


Mr. Assclown: I have a CD on hold. The name is "Assclown."

Pause while Disgruntled Bookseller searches the CD holds for Mr. Assclown's CD.

DB: I'm sorry, sir. I can't seem to locate it. When did you call?
Mr. Assclown: This afternoon. The guy said he had it in his hand and he would hold it for three days.
DB: Let me check with Music.

DB calls Music. Billygoat ascertains that the CD is not at the Music Desk. Billygoat also checks inventory and says that we don't actually have Mr. Assclown's CD in stock.

DB [addressing Mr. Assclown]: Sir, are you sir you called this store? Because our inventory shows that we don't stock that particular CD, but a few of our sister stores do.
Mr. Assclown: Yes. I only called one store, and I'm absolutely sure it was this one.

Another pause while DB scours the hold shelves again.

DB: I'm sorry, sir. I don't have your CD. I'm not sure what happened. I do apologize. Here is a coupon for $5 off your next purchase for your inconvenience.
Mr. Assclown [looking disgusted at our incompetence]: Fine. Never mind.

Mr. Assclown, and his lovely wife, Mrs. Assclown, have other purchases. So, I let the Holler ring them up while I surreptitiously call our closest sister store and ask them if they are holding a CD for "Assclown." Of course they are.

DB: Mr. Assclown? I just talked to Sister Big Bookstore, and they say they have your CD on hold there.
Mr. Assclown: I don't know how that could be. I called this store.
DB [gently]: I think you must have actually called Sister Big Bookstore.
Mr. Assclown: No. I called this store. You must have called them and had them put on hold there.

Disgruntled Bookseller gives Mr. Assclown the Basilisk Stare. Mrs. Assclown hustles him out the door. Disgruntled Bookseller feels sorry for Mrs. Assclown because she gets the feeling that Mrs. Assclown deals with these situations a lot.


Tonight, I'm adding a new occasional feature to my blog entries. I will be tallying the amount of damaged kids merchandise that goes into the Crap Basket at the end of each night because nobody else can be fucking bothered to sweep the fucking Kids section on any sort of regular fucking basis. I have begged and I have pleaded with everyone to check Kids periodically - to never let a half hour go by without at least making an appearance. But my pleas have fallen on deaf ears. Tonight, in the hour and half that I was on my dinner break and then at registers, our lovely customers destroyed $43.88 worth of merchandise. The destroyed merchandise included, inter alia, a set of flash cards opened and spread around the floor, one "Spy Kit" with pieces removed, one book and tape set with the book missing, and one opened and played with Klutz craft kit.

Kudos on the vigilance, guys!


Blogger Gerbera Daisy said...

I, too, feel sorry for Mrs. Assclown as I was married to someone very much like Mr. Assclown for years. It's not easy being married to people like this.

11:51 AM  
Blogger bushmeister0 said...

Regarding the Assclowns...

I have the best example of this from when I worked at Toys R Us... only much worse:

The Buttmunschs:

"You don't have it? That's okay, we'll just go to Toys R Us on U.S. 1." (They meant Playworld, they had obviously missed the incessant repetition of "I'm a Toy's R Us kid" on the PA while there were there.)

As far as the damamged Kid's books...

Remember the "Dollar Book?" There was a good idea.

7:49 PM  
Blogger meateater said...

Hey Hey Hey Hey I take offence with the notion that no one ever sweeps kids. I make a habbit of sweeping kids (and magazines) very often. I usually find it in much the same condition as you do, a complete disaster.

Also I would like to say as a fellow vigina owner that PMS is a bitch and I am sorry that you were suffering from it. However, I don't think that we all should have to suffer along with you so don't bark at me about things that i did not do. Thank you very much.

9:14 PM  
Blogger ereshkigal said...


1:42 AM  
Blogger MG said...

Dig your blog. As a fellow big bookstore employee, I completely relate.

10:00 PM  

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