Thursday, March 17, 2005

I Am Both Old and Cranky

Did you know that Being Female is an illness? The folks who assign subject codes at Big Bookstore Headquarters seem to think so, since that is where this book is supposed to be shelved. Subject codes and the morons who assign them is yet another subject on the long list of things I would rant about at length if I had the energy.


So I'm standing at the registers ringing up a Young Person of Today with some nouveau punk DVD and listening to the new Joe Cocker CD on the overhead. I say to the YPOT, "ya know, Joe Cocker just isn't the same without the visuals" and I do the freaky thing Joe does with his hands when he's singing. The YPOT looks at me like I'm completely insane and says, "who's Joe Cocker?"

Who. Is. Joe. Cocker.

I shit you not.


Disgruntled Bookseller: Thank you for calling Big Bookstore, this is [Disgruntled Bookseller], how can I help you?
Woman with Severe Boundaries Issues: I'm looking for a couple of titles.
DB: Alright.
WWSBI: I'm looking for The Secret Life of Men and The Way of the Superior Man.
DB: OK. I should have both of those in stock. Let me check the shelves.
[Pause while DB locates books]
DB: I have them, ma'am. Would you like me to hold them for you?
WWSBI: Do they look good?
DB: I really couldn't say, ma'am.
WWSBI: I want my boyfriend to read them because he has problems with intimacy, and we need to work on becoming closer. Do you think I should put them on hold for him?
DB: Again, ma'am, I really couldn't advise you.
WWSBI: Well, I'm also looking for Your Long Erotic Weekend and How to Have Magnificent Sex. They're by the same author. Do you have those?
DB: The inventory shows that I have them, ma'am. Hold on again, while I check the shelves.
[Another pause while DB checks shelves again.]
DB: Ma'am, I'm sorry, I can't locate either of those titles on the shelf, but I'd be happy to order them for you.
WWSBI: Hmmmm. I'm not sure. How much are all the books?
DB: [reads prices of four books WWSBI has requested]
WWSBI: Well, what do you think? Do you think it's too much for my boyfriend to read? I don't want to overwhelm him. I don't know what to do.
DB: [silence]
WWSBI: Hold on. I'm going to call him and ask.
DB: [on hold, glaring at phone for three minutes]
WWSBI: I couldn't get an answer. Let's go ahead and order them. Oh! I just remembered. Do you have the book He's Just Not That Into You?
DB: Yes, ma'am. Would you like me to hold a copy of that for you as well?
WWSBI: I guess so. Is it on sale?
DB: I think so, ma'am.
WWSBI: You have a Cafe there, don't you? (note complete change of subject which just confuses my shit completely)
DB: Yes, ma'am.
WWSBI: What kind of things do you serve there? Do you serve meals?
DB: Well, no, not really. We serve cake and pastries and sandwiches.
WWSBI: Are the sandwiches good?

I could go on, but I think you've gotten the drift by now. I was on the phone with this woman for fifteen fucking minutes. I COULD NOT SHAKE HER. I'm guessing that the intimacy problem she's having with her boyfriend is that he knows she's completely fucking inSANE and he can't get far enough away from her. I so wanted to tell her that I knew the reason he just wasn't that into her, but I did not. Because I have: boundaries.


Blogger Gerbera Daisy said...

To WWSBI and the women like her, do you just want to say, "If you need to buy the book, 'He's Just Not That Into You', chances are he probably isn't."? He probably didn't answer her phone call because he has caller ID and he is just sick of her constantly calling and annoying the shit out of him!!

I would love to know the moron at Big Bookstore Headquarters that thinks 'Being Female' is an illness. It undoubtedly has to be a male chauvinist pig.

I feel sorry for YPOTs. They have no clue for music.

10:34 AM  
Blogger MarkFarley said...

She might get somewhere if she shut the fuck up for five minutes and let him have an opinion, the self-absorbed cow!

12:23 PM  

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