Shove This Apple Straight Up Your Ass

I don't even know where to begin this rant. How about this? I hate teachers. With a few exceptions, they are smug, self-entitled, rude, and cheap. Also, they are complete fucking pigs.

Twice a year, Big Bookstore offers a special discount to teachers over a three-day weekend. Today was the start of that weekend. Every time we hold this event, I am amazed anew at the scum to whom our society entrusts its children.

These are the things that I have learned about teachers.

1. They are, as I say, complete fucking pigs. Not only do they not know how to pick up after themselves, they actually seem to seek the maximum destruction of whatever section of books they are browsing. One teacher, in her quest to purchase one (1) children's dictionary, removed every single dictionary, and left them in five different places. Some were on nearby shelves. Some were on a nearby table. Some were shoved into fixtures a couple of feet away. And yet more were abandoned on her way to the register. Not content with removing one copy of each type of dictionary, she removed multiple copies of the same dictionary in her effort to eliminate Big Bookstore's slight profit margin through maximizing the resulting bookseller labor. Similar zones of destruction could be found in virtually every corner of the store.

2. They are freeloaders. Although we provided them with free food from the Cafe, and a hefty discount, several teachers complained to me and my colleagues that we didn't have enough freebies. One teacher spent five minutes telling me and my manager how upset he was that he didn't arrive in time for the raffle. He had been told over the phone that he would have until 9 p.m. to enter, when in fact, we did the raffle at 7 p.m. He went on and on and on about how he missed out on this because he was misinformed. You might have thought, listening to him, that we were giving away fabulous prizes -- perhaps, the Compact Oxford English Dictionary, or a nice DVD boxed set -- when in fact we raffled three gift bags containing approximately ten dollars worth of candy.

3. Like other civil servants, they have big dreams that they are too dull-witted and lacking in ambition to realize. Every Teachers' Weekend the small business, real estate and e-commerce sections are ravaged and the books redistributed in piles about the store. The teachers dream of starting their own money-making enterprises, which will free them from the triviality and futility of their miserable lives. They will never actually do these things.

4. They feel they are ugly, (and in this, they are largely correct). The Appearance section was completely trashed. I found several different piles of books on cosmetic surgery in different places and at different times throughout the evening.

5. They hate their jobs. Piles of career-changing and job-hunting books are a staple of the Teachers' Weekend destroy-a-thon. One pile of books I cleaned up tonight included, among other career-related titles, Great Jobs for English Majors. I've got news for you, assholes. It's too fucking late. You could have majored in something practical. You could have gone to a real grad school instead of getting a teaching certificate. You could have even learned a trade. You lacked the imagination or ambition back then, and I highly doubt you've gained either trait since.

So, anyway, I hate the teachers. They can all kiss my big fat ass