Thursday, July 07, 2005

Another Bullshit Night in Suck City, Part 2

The Holler has a nose for masturbators and porn stealers. He's vigilant about tracking down the "adult" periodicals that have gone missing from the news stand. At least once a shift, he'll find the empty plastic husk of the polybags that are used to keep the underaged from casually browsing, say, Freshman or Perfect 10. Later, the magazine will turn up somewhere in the store crammed in a bookshelf, or (as I once found) nestled between the pages of an appropriately sized copy of a Children's Illustrated Classic. The worst case scenario, however, is one that happens all too often - the magazine turns up in the men's bathroom, where it has obviously been...put to use. I don't think I need to tell you why the use was obvious, do I? If the Holler had 10 bucks for every time he's had to "glove up and go in" to retrieve one of these items - well, he'd have a nice bonus.

But the "personal massager" which he had just discovered outside the men's room? This was beyond the bounds of all customer masturbatory behavior heretofore experienced.

After I got over my initial reaction, and the Holler recovered from laughing at said reaction, we immediately headed over to the Sex and Erotica section. Because, you see, we knew exactly where this vibrator had come from. Sure enough, there on the top shelf, with the box flap open, was 52 Weeks of Passionate Sex.

(I remember when we first started carrying 52 Weeks of Passionate Sex. I think it was around Valentine's Day two years ago. I remember because Closeted Straight Man, our GM at the time, shared this new item of merchandise with everyone so we could all marvel at the depths to which we, as booksellers, had sunk. We were now purveying vibrators. Oh, sure, the boxed set also contained a book, but we all knew the book was just a pretext for the vibrator, the lube, and the blindfold.)

The Holler pulled the box down from the shelf and opened it, affirming our suspicions. The vibrator was missing. Not surprisingly, the Dildo* Thief found no use for the silk rose petals or the blindfold. (And can I just say, at this point: silk rose petals? Not a turn on in this or any parallel universe.)

So here's the scenario: Dildo Thief is browsing the sex instruction books. Maybe he's also been skimming some of the porn in the next section over. He comes across 52 Weeks of Passionate Sex. He is curious. What could be in such an intriguingly named box? He opens it and finds the vibrator. A lightbulb goes on. A really grimy, disgusting, lightbulb. He pockets the vibrator and heads for the men's room. The vibrator is put to use. I'm thinking anal stimulation, but hey, it could be anywhere, right? (Wide Eyed Newbie postulates the ear, but I'm skeptical.)

We're OK up to this point. I mean, Dildo Thief has violated some social norms by masturbating in a bookstore bathroom, sure. But nobody's been harmed so far except Big Bookstore which now has a Sex Box with no vibrator which it can't sell.

But this is where we go completely off the rails. Because after Dildo Thief uses the vibrator, what does he do? Does he throw the vibrator in the garbage? Does he wrap it in toilet paper and try to dispose of it surreptitiously? No. HE TAKES THE VIBRATOR BACK OUT OF THE MEN'S ROOM AND DEPOSITS IT ON THE EDGE OF THE CUBBYHOLE FOR US TO FIND.

Then Dildo Thief goes back to the Sex and Erotica section, picks up a different sex box, goes to my register, and pays for it. So that he can have a brand new, unused vibrator.

Ladies and gentlemen, bookselling does not get any better than this.

*I know that the vibrator in question is technically not a dildo, but Dildo Thief trips off the tongue in a way that Vibrator Thief does not.

5 Comments:

Blogger bottomer said...

At the risk of appearing sexually naive, the question for which I lack the answer is: How do you know D.T. has purchased the product? Are there some missing clues? Eye witnesses? The purchaser and the D.T. need not be the same person from everything I've read (and I went back and read it over again, and not just for gathering clues but to share the moment.)

12:56 PM  
Blogger ereshkigal said...

You have a point, Bot. But the bathrooms are checked once an hour by the service manager. The purchase occurred within 20 minutes of the discovery. Probably not enough circumstantial evidence for a court of law, but good enough for me. Besides, I think that you develop an instinct for these things if you work in any service job, and I'd wager two weeks pay (bookseller pay, that is, not day job pay)that my scenario is correct.

10:07 PM  
Blogger kapok said...

Beyond the realm of comprehension, truly. "Glove up and go in." Holy Fucking Shit! AHAHAHAHHAH.

12:35 AM  
Blogger Gerbera Daisy said...

Oh My God!!! I am laughing my ass off here. We have some weird characters frequent our "Love and Sex" section, but to my knowledge, we have not had anyone using a stolen vibrator in the bathroom.

11:39 PM  
Blogger ecban said...

Y'know, when I put the Sex Packs on the shelf, I figured they were nothing but trouble. I briefly considered shrinkwrapping them, but rejected the idea on the basis that shrinkwrap wouldn't stop a customer who was truly curious about the contents. I considered putting them in one of the lock-up cases, but decided that a) they didn't really go with the tarot cards or the MCSE test kits, and b) I'd hate to be the fellow employee who had to unlock the case and open the product for a curious customer. Well, I'd think it was hysterically funny, but some fellow employees wouldn't. So I just shrugged, put them in their appointed place, and forgot about them.

And now I've read your tale of woe. And I clicked on the Amazon link. And I saw the line "25 used & new available from $3.49." And I thought about the customer who might buy the used Sex Pack for $3.49. And realized exactly what bookselling at its best is all about.

2:17 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home