Thursday, July 21, 2005

My Foot, Your Ass

I am going away this weekend to attend the wedding of one of my best friends, so I've got the weekend off from Big Bookstore. But before I go, I would like to make an announcement to those whose asses I will be sticking my foot up* and explain why I shall be doing said foot-up-ass-sticking upon my return. Most of the asses in question are newbie asses, but there are a few recalcitrant old-timers who could use the foot/ass treatment.**

1. If you leave the registers without announcing to your fellow cashiers where you are going, or when you plan to return, I will stick my foot up your ass. (I'm thinking of one cow-worker in particular whose gimpy and slightly creepy ass will feel my foot the next time he just walks away without saying a word.) TELL ME WHERE YOU'RE GOING. IT'S A FUCKING COURTESY, MAN. Or, as I say, my foot will be up your ass.

2. If you think your register shift is optional and/or of a freeform nature, I will stick my foot up your ass. (Good thing I can't stick my foot up my own ass, because I'm actually guilty of forgetting my register shift. However, I am: allowed. Why? Because I said so.) Register shifts start on the hour and end on the hour. Not five minutes after or five minutes before. Is that so hard? Next time you arrive late, you know the drill: foot_up_ass.macro.

3. If you dawdle over the giftwrapping, I will stick my foot up your ass. The giftwrapping does not need to be perfect. It does not need to be meticulous. It does not even have to be pretty. IT'S FREE FUCKING GIFTWRAP. If people want perfect, meticulous and pretty they can go to the fucking Hallmark and do it themselves. There is only one thing the giftwrapping must be and that is: fast. If you do not wrap faster -- my foot, your ass, 'nuff said.

4. If there is a line, and you leave the registers for any reason other than your scheduled meal break, I will most assuredly stick my foot up your ass. I don't care if your replacement has already arrived. Unless you are scheduled to clock out for lunch or dinner, you stay until the line is gone. Why? Because the customers, who are the only people who annoy me more than you, get restless when they are in line and they see cashiers leaving. If there is a coverage issue elsewhere, the supervisors will take care of it. (In theory.) Leave the registers before me, while there is a line, and my foot will be so far up your ass you will be able to read the size on the bottom of my shoe.

5. This is a short one: if I see you standing at info leaning on the counter with both elbows? My foot + your ass = so happy together.

I think that's enough for now. You'll be pleased to know that I just get a pedicure.

*For you grammar sluts out there, I know this construction is incorrect. However, I think you'll agree that "those whose asses up which I will be sticking my foot" just sounds silly.

** Please see Disclaimer in Sidebar.


Blogger Ministry of Cats said...

How about...

those up whose asses I will be sticking my foot?

those whose asses will discover the pleasure of forcible pedal insertion?

those whose asses shall receive unto them a great whaling and fott up-shoving?

Just for shits and giggles, as it were :-D

12:37 PM  
Blogger Gerbera Daisy said...

Oh my God!!! I am laughing my ass off here. This is so funny!! I love your posts. You are and have been my inspiration and I have missed you. Hope you have a great weekend and a good time at the wedding.

7:24 PM  
Blogger Misogoonie said...

I'll just have you know that I cannot enter into any large bookstore now without tossing away my little empty cup of free sample frozen coffee beverage (not leaving it for the poor barista to come collect) or leave a book on a table or chair. I must return it to the shelf I found it. It's really NOT hard to take note of each book to the side of said book.

However, if I am not sure of where I got it, I'll just leave it in the general opposed to just shoving it somewhere that a bookseller cannot find it if they need to.

I'll try to be a customer that you could write a good post about.

4:45 PM  
Blogger ereshkigal said...

Bless you, child. Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow you all the days of your life.

10:23 PM  
Blogger Jane said...

I put my foots up yo' ass... I put my foots up yo' ass... sang the Zebra Room cook to whatever tune happened to be blaring from the kitchen radio.

7:52 AM  
Blogger ereshkigal said...

Ahahahahaha. I had totally forgotten that I got that from you.

10:35 PM  

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