Saturday, September 10, 2005

The Foot Is a Metaphor. The Reality Is Worse

Sorry it's been so long. I have no excuse. I just suck.

So let's get right to the ranting, shall we?

I'm in my usual cheery mood upon arrival at Big Bookstore this afternoon. As always, I clock in and begin assessing the scene. I start at Info to see what the reshelve situation is like. Not so bad today. There's some stuff. Not a ton, but there's no need for it to sit around on the cart, right? Satisfied that there are enough booksellers standing around with their thumbs up their asses to take care of the few reshelves, I head to the Cafe, pick up a couple of stacks of crap and bring them back to the reshelving cart. Again, there are booksellers standing around generally looking vacant and waiting for customers to approach. I always find this annoying, as my regular readers will already know, so before I head off to Kids, I bark at Trailer Park Baby Daddy, "there's shelving there for you to do."

(I call him Trailer Park Baby Daddy because he is like a poor woman's version of Kevin Federline, except he's even less goodlooking, and more skanky. He's got a knocked up girlfriend who works in the Cafe.)

Kids isn't a complete disaster, but I spend about 10 minutes picking up the big chunks and doing some general straightening. Once again, I return to Info. Not one book has been shelved from the reshelve cart, and the same booksellers are standing around. Trailer Park Baby Daddy has his thumb really worked up in there now. I turn to him and Weird Beard Dude and snap, "If I come back one more time, and those books aren't shelved, I'm going to...Stick. My. Foot. Up. Some. Asses."*

This is where things go awry.

Trailer Park Baby Daddy laughs and says, "I'd like to see you try. I don't think you can reach." I've already half-turned to stalk away as he's saying this, and my momentum carries me towards the Cafe. Which is good for Trailer Park Baby Daddy, as the words don't really sink in until I'm well on my way. Now I know that you're thinking that this is the point where I Lose My Mind, but amazingly, I do not.

Later in the afternoon, Calendar Boy tells me that Trailer Park Baby Daddy has actually relayed his snappy little comeback to others in the store. Because he's a big man, and I guess he's proud of himself. After hearing this, I can almost see people backing away from him for fear of being caught in the blast radius. Still, I maintain my cool.

You see, I know something that Trailer Park Baby Daddy doesn't know. He's already on the edge of the unemployment precipice and it will take just a few taps of my finger to push him over.

So. Trailer Park Baby Daddy? You out there? Can you feel that? That's me, tap, tap, tapping on your back.

Buh bye.

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