I'm Not Dead Yet!

Sorry I haven't posted. I've been sick. Really sick. SARS. Avian flu. Hantavirus. Something along those lines. Anyhow. I'm back.

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Attention Big Bookstore customers. It's February 25th. The calendars are gone. Please do not express shock and dismay at this fact. You chose to live dangerously, deliberately waiting long after the New Year in order to get your calendar as cheaply as possible. You could have gotten one for four bucks at the beginning of February, but you thought if you just waited a little bit longer, they'd go down even further. And you were right! They went down to a buck apiece in mid-February. Still you did not buy. Perhaps you thought if you waited just a teeny bit more, we would pay you to take them? I don't know. In any case, you're too late.

If you've been living without one for this long, I think you can manage the rest of the year without.

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Hot new titles on the newstand: FaceFull, the first "world-wide paintball magazine," because domestic paintball is so, you know, unglamorous; and, New York Dog, a magazine which is, not surprisingly, for New Yorkers who own dogs. The cover features Nicole Richie and her hairy little beast, which leads me to wonder if the target demographic is rat-faced tramps with rat-like dogs, and whether this is really a winning business proposition.

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Customoron of the Week #1:

"I'm looking for a particular painting. How can I find it?"

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Customoron of the Week #2:

"I need books on raising alpacas and llamas. I can't believe you don't have anything like that in the store."

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Customoron of the Week #3:

C3: I'd like to return these books. I bought them with a gift card, but I don't have the receipt.
Bookseller: Fine. I can give you a store credit, sir.
C3: I don't want a store credit. I want them credited to my credit card.
Bookseller: I'm sorry, sir, I can't do that. Without a receipt I can only give you store credit.
C3: Well, I bought them with a $100 gift card that I purchased here with a credit card. I don't understand why you can't credit the books to my credit card.
Bookseller: I'm sorry. Without the receipt, I can't credit them back to your card, because I can't tell which credit card it is. Our agreement with the credit card companies prohibits us from crediting merchandise back to a card without a receipt.
C3: I don't want that. I want them credited to my card.
Bookseller: Let me get the manager, perhaps he can explain better.
[Extended discussion between Customoron 3, Bookseller, and Calendar Boy in which all parties reiterate points already made. Calendar Boy holds his ground. Thank you, Calendar Boy!]
C3: Alright. Fine. I AM NOT HAPPY. I AM NOT HAPPY. You've got $100 of my money, and all I've got to show for it are these books.

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Attention, Big Bookstore Management: I will no longer alphabetize the Corner of Doom, aka, Art, Design, Crafts, Architecture, Photography, Antiques and Construction. After redoing the section in November, I swore a solemn vow that it would be the last time. Then in January, after putting the CoD back into excruciatingly correct order, I swore a blood oath with the most dire consequences for violation, that I would no longer perform this task. BUT THIS TIME I'M SERIOUS.

(By the way, did you know that Mongolia is in Africa? Apparently the person who currently shelves the Corner of Doom, as well as Travel, believes this is so. Yup. That's where I found the new guidebooks on Mongolia that arrived last week - right there between Malawi and Morocco. Something to think about. I'm sorry...Am I being mean again?)

Craig's Freaks, Part III

And, finally:

computer geeks... - w4m - 32

Reply to: anon-56307232@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-01-19, 6:05PM EST

I'm interested in trying to set up a specific type of meeting in nyc. I'm not looking for a relationship or a hookup. So if you send me pictures of yourself will details about your stamina I'm deleting your email right away. I've never done this before and would like to exchange a couple emails before we actually agree to anything. I want to feel safe even though this will be a one time public experience. I'm going to wear a skirt with no panties on. Or a thong. Your preference. You are going to be in the computer manuals section of [Big Bookstore]. You'll be sitting on the floor reading a manual. I will stroll over to you and lift up my skirt. You can then lie on the floor and I'll stand over you pretending to look for a manual. I may decide to drop something and will lean in. But no touching will occur. Then we'll part ways. Or maybe I'll find a chair and you'll sit across from me on the floor cross-legged and I'll keep crossing and uncrossing my legs and giving you little peeks. I'm not 100% sure that I can go through with this. I'm very shy but it's a long-time fantasy of mine. FYI, I'm short-ish (5'4") and slightly overweight. If you can't deal with this then don't bother responding.

Whoa. You're going to stand over him with no panties on? That is so...Out There. So WILD. You are one crazy, adventurous, nassssty girl.

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[Big Bookstore] IN COSTA MESA - 32

Reply to:
anon-56565234@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-01-21, 12:51PM PST

hey dudes...anyone ever cruising at [Big Bookstore] in Costa Mesa? sometimes there are some completely hot dudes there, but i always get nervous...i'll be there later to pick up a book if anyone is around and wants to "check eachother out." cute surfer dude here...32,5'10",160, fit, sexy and horny...give me a holla...jimmy

Aw. I totally understand where you're comin' from, Dude. I get nervous whenever I'm cruising strangers for sex in public places too. I ask myself if I'm hot enough. I wonder if my penis is big enough to satisfy...Oh, wait. I don't have a penis. And I don't cruise strangers for public sex. Damn. Sorry. I don't know where you're coming from, but hang in there and good luck with that!

***************

I rang you out at borders

Reply to: anon-55046212@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-01-09, 9:20PM CST

I pointed out the drama section for you this afternoon at Borders, then I put your books on hold for you. If I seemed like a goober, it was only because you were so beautiful I had trouble looking at you. Hope you found your credit card. If you're single and interested, let me know. Hope your life is going well no matter what.

See, this is why booksellers don't get enough play. We are too fucking nice. We should be posting ads on Craigslist asking people to blow us in the bathroom, not saying shit like, "you were so beautiful I had trouble looking at you." Barf.

Craig's Freaks, Part 2

As promised, more craigslist fun:

[Big Bookstore] slut - m4w

mailto:anon-57073084@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-01-25, 5:03PM EST

Going to the bookstore tonight, seeking to meet up with a naughty cock sucking slut for some wild fun in the store bathroom. I am clean d&d free, conservative looking.I want you on your knees for me.

Which naughty cock-sucking slut? There are so many of us! I'm assuming you don't have a gender preference because you don't specify. We're going to draw straws in the break room to see who gets to service you. Can't wait!

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SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT ON A SNOWY SUNDAY - m4w - 27

Reply to: anon-56778864@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-01-23, 3:36PM EST

I'm currently sitting in [Rival Bookstore] reading some rather suggestive erotica, and all I can think about now is a woman watching me masturbate. I know this is a somewhat common post on here, but reading all of these short stories about voyeurism and exhibitionism have me really turned on. I've never done anything like this before, but I'm hoping that there's a sexy, adventurous, safe wf reading these posts today who sees the same appeal in this type of scenario as I do. I'm well educated, very safe, very clean and very discreet. I'm in decent shape, good looking and have an extremely clean cock. I'm not - NOT IN ANY WAY - looking for a sexual interaction; I simply want the eyes of an open-minded woman watching me. Once I'm done, I'll simply pull my pants up, thank you and leave. This is 100% sincere, so I ask that only potentially interested women respond. I've got a pic to share, and I will want to chat on phone briefly before we meet. Hopefully the right eyes will find this post...

Thank you, kind sir, for only thinking about masturbating in the bookstore.

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looking to give head near [Rival Bookstore] - 26

Reply to: anon-56278176@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-01-19, 2:47PM EST

Heading over to [Rival Bookstore] at about 6:15. Looking to meet up with a hot, clean, dd free man for great blow job. I am gl, shaved head, and just looking to get off. Looking between 27-35 only. Your picture will get mine. If interested hit me back!

I've been in the Men's room in our store. It's disgusting. I think this illustrates a fundamental difference between men and women. Men find nothing wrong with tearing off a quick piece in a filthy, urine-crusted bathroom frequented by homeless winos. In fact, I think some men actually find that a plus.

Craig's Freaks

I've collected some of the better Craigslist posts involving Big Bookstore and Rival Bookstore for your reading pleasure, with commentary in red as appropriate. I'll post a few each day this weekend.

The [Big Bookstore] on Rockville Pike Scene - 22

Reply to: anon-55931990@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-01-17, 1:54AM EST

So whats up?

Whats goin' on with the scene at the [Big Bookstore cafe] on rockville pike? You know what I am talking about.

Its like an international and oriental gathering with ocassional hipsters and it seems like there are regulars too. I fit in with the white\hipster stereotype, haha. I just show up alone and people watch and peruse the magazines with either a mocha frap or hot choc.

It is always crowded and I like how its a place to go when its kinda late at night.

What chu' think?

I think you are a pathetic hipster wannabe, haha™. Don't chu™ think?

***************

Lets Meetup at [Big Bookstore] or [Rival Bookstore] for some FUN - m4w

Reply to: anon-57160768@craigslist.org >
Date: 2005-01-26, 11:23AM EST

31 SWM looking to hook up with a 18+ female for some quick fun in bathroom or somewhere else we can enjoy ourselves. Let me know if interested we can just make it a NSA morning or afternoon

Pics trade when contacted

lets give it a try , discreet NSA

I don't believe for one minute that you are 31 or single or capable of providing "fun" in a bookstore bathroom. Also, sex in a public bathroom? Not discreet.

***************

curious guy looking at [Rival Bookstore] for j/o and maybe bj play - 37

Reply to: anon-55976728@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-01-17, 1:05PM EST

i am going to [Rival Bookstore] (home depo parking lot)around 2.00 to 2.30 do any guys looking to explore hang there.Every time i go there are just to many guys in there something most be going on.I would like to play with a cock other then my own,if turned on enough possible bj.I am also interesting in receiving hj and bj.i am engaged and would like to fulfill a fantasy before i get married.would like to meet a Gl guy str8 acting and looking thgat is new to this also.i will not be into rimming givivg or receiving or fucking .I just want to experiment and see if i enjoy this.

Whenever there are a lot of guys hanging around someplace I, too, assume that there "must be something going on." That's why I think NASCAR events must be sseething volcanoes of hot homo sex. I totally understand and respect that you draw the line at rimming and fucking other guys. Everyone knows that if you only blow each other, it's not really gay. I'm sure your fiancee sees it your way too.

This Week's Remainders

The woman who transported a shelf of China and Honk Kong travel guides to the Cafe, where she took copious notes for hours without purchasing so much as a cup of coffee? I curse her to have a spectacular mishap on her travels, perhaps something involving being sucked into one of the Mid-levels Escalators in HK thus providing mealtime entertainment for onlookers in noodle shops. I have spoken.

* * *

Readers of Vibe, Urb, XXL, Murder Dog and Don Diva magazines: please stop covering up the magazines with covers of rappers you don't like with magazines with covers of rappers you do like. Nobody cares. Really.

* * *

Calendar update: It's not too late to get your Celine Dion, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy or Guardian Angels calendar. We've still got plenty. Also, lots of calendars for potheads: Cannabis 2005, Big Buds, and High Times are all languishing. Apparently, other than people who work at Big Bookstore, nobody in this area smokes pot.

* * *

I almost made a child cry today. She was maybe five-years old, barrelling full-tilt through the Vortex of Evil ™ and not looking where she was going. I was looking where I was going, but you know, I had the fucking right of way, dammit. Of course she plowed right into me and then fell backwards on her ass. I just looked down at her with the Basilisk Stare (which scares my cow-workers let alone small children). Her mother was standing a scant three feet away pretending not to notice. The child was this close to bursting into tears. I feel certain that had I offered any sympathy whatsoever she would have done so. But she looked up at my stony face, and then at her mother, and seeing no joy there either, she shut her piehole. I looked at the mother and said: "She ran right into me. Sorry." Then I walked away. La la la.

Disgruntled Waitstaff

The New York Times published this article today about waiters and restaurant servers who blog:

February 2, 2005
The Waiter You Stiffed Has Not Forgotten
By JULIA MOSKIN

WHAT evil lurks in the hearts of waiters? Now you can find out. But can you stomach the results?

An anonymous New York waiter wrote online recently: "In my fantasy, I become Darth Vader the next time a customer asks about the wines by the glass, then says, 'Merlot! Waiter, haven't you seen the movie "Sideways"?' Then I will slice off his head with my light saber."

Grievances, including friction between kitchen and dining room staff, rapacious management and near-universal bitterness over tipping, are being revealed with gusto on the Internet by restaurant staff members. As a customer, to read Web sites like www.bitterwaitress.com, waiterrant.blogspot.com and www.webfoodpros.com is to wonder nervously, "Could they be talking about me?"

Each month, www.stainedapron publishes a new extreme example of customer obnoxiousness. (One forum is titled "Keep Your Brats at Home!") On bitterwaitress.com, the most popular page is an annotated database of people who give bad tips (defined on the site as "any gratuity under 17 percent for service which one's peers would judge as adequate or better"). Anyone can add a name to the database, along with the location, restaurant, amount of the check, amount of the tip and any details, most of which cannot be printed in a family newspaper. (A disclaimer reads: "We are not responsible for submissions. Uh-uh, no way, not in the least.") There are almost 700 entries.

To read the rest of the article, click on the article link above, and try the following login and password from bugmenot:

login: rorahpg
password: 191919

(Or you can create your own nytimes.com account.)

My favorite is Waiter Rant, which is not unlike Disgruntled Bookseller in style except that he's a better writer.